Hamilton's Journal
by Debi
Summary: This is a companion piece to “Dear Diary”.
1. A World Turned Upside Down

Title:Hamilton's Journal, Part 1/?  
Author:Debi  
Email:IanFan9@aol.com  
Feeback:Pretty please? Good or bad...  
Rating:PG-13   
Category:Jake and Hamilton (as if I could write something without them...)  
Disclaimer:I don't own any of these characters. I only get to own Hamilton in my fantasies!  
Summary: This is a companion piece to "Dear Diary". It starts after the kiss in the pilot. Later that night, Hamilton can't stop thinking about Jake kissing him. He needs to talk to someone about what happened, but doesn't have anyone he can tell. Laying awake, unable to sleep, he gets his laptop and starts a journal.  
Spoilers:There's nothing to spoil.  
Thanks:To Ev for encouraging me to run with my crazy ideas. And to a certain guy for breaking my heart and making me think about men non-stop lately.  
  
  
July 16, 2000  
  
I'm not really sure how to do this. I've never kept a journal before. Actually, I never felt like I needed to before, but so much has happened. I'm so confused. I really need a way to get this all out. I'd like to talk to someone, tell someone...but who could I tell? Who could I trust with something like this? I'd never tell my mom about this and it's not like I have people lining up outside the door just waiting to be best friends with me...the Dean's son. And who could I talk to that would understand? Understand that a guy kissed me...and I liked it...and that I can't stop thinking about him.  
  
Who could I tell that to? Who would understand and keep quiet about it? No one. That's the answer...no one. I have absolutely no one I can talk to about this. So I guess I'll use this computer and talk to myself. (See, I knew I was losing my mind.) Computers keep secrets better than people do anyway.  
  
The reason for my mass confusion and sudden need for a confidant?   
  
Jake.  
  
Jake Pratt arrived at Rawley Academy 11 days ago and my life hasn't been the same since.  
  
Even though this year is my first year as an actual student, I started it the same way I've started the last several years - at my favorite dorm window with camera in hand. I was taking pictures of the girl's campus when I heard a motorcycle. Now, motorcycles aren't allowed on campus, so naturally, I was curious as to who would bring a bike to school. It's not the usual mode of transportation for the Rawley set, either. I found the rider through my camera lens. Not your typical Rawley student at all, leather jacket, jeans, boots, black motorcycle... My curiosity was definitely piqued. Who would have the balls to bring a bike here? Surely, he had to know it was illegal. My father hates rule-breakers, so of course, I just had to find out more.   
  
I tried to catch up to him several times, but he always managed to get away before I could say anything. The first crew practice provided a better opportunity. I tried starting a conversation, but he was harder to get information out of than I am! Crew practice came and went and I still didn't know anything about Jake. Well...except that he wore sweats and a sweatshirt in July and swam fully clothed.  
  
I tried a different tactic and went to his room the next day. Finally, I got some information. Jake's mom pays less attention to him than my dad does to me. He's changed schools 6 times and his mother didn't even notice. Now, my father may be wrapped up in being the almighty Dean of Rawley Academy, but I think he'd notice if I changed schools! If for no other reason than it would make him look bad since his own son changed schools.   
  
I also learned that Jake is seriously into computers and basically unbeatable at video games. We talked and played games all afternoon. I lost every time, but it was great. I had finally met someone I could be comfortable around. Someone who didn't seem to care that my father was the Dean. Someone who spent more time than I did looking for ways to get around the rules. Someone who was even less impressed with the whole "Rawley guy" thing than I was. Someone I could really be friends with.  
  
Then I noticed how good Jake smelled. The guy constantly wears this ball cap, so as we were leaving to grab dinner, I grabbed it off his head and tried it on. No big deal, right? Wrong. When I tried it on, I noticed how nice it smelled. Before my brain realized what my mouth was doing, I had basically told Jake he smelled good. Great way to get a reputation as a fruitcake, huh? I don't know why I said it, but later that night I realized that Jake does smell good. And not just that one time - all the time. The guys around here are usually drowning in expensive colognes. You can smell them coming a mile away, but Jake's not like that at all. He smells fresh - fresh? God, I am turning into a fruitcake. Seriously though, he smells so good, like in a soap-and-baby-powder-clean kind of way. I laid awake half the night thinking about Jake and then spent the other half of the night telling myself to stop thinking about Jake.   
  
The next day, I swore I was going to stay away from Jake, but I found myself at his door before I realized where I was going. He didn't mention the "smells good" thing and we ended up hanging out and having fun like nothing weird had happened. I was so relieved I hadn't ruined a friendship before it really began.  
  
Yesterday, I helped him move his bike to a better hiding place. Where he had it is way too close to the main driveway to be a good hiding spot. After that we went back to the dorm and spent the day just hanging out. Jake is easy to talk to and I found myself telling him things I've never told anyone before. I was more relaxed and happy that night when I went home than I can remember being in a long time. I think I even dreamed about Jake because this morning the first thing I remember thinking was "I can't wait to see Jake again."   
  
That should have been my clue that something was seriously wrong. Why would a guy's first thought in the morning be about another guy? But, I didn't see it that way then and as soon as I was dressed, I went back to Jake's room. He had hacked into some website and we were trying to play this new game, but the connection was too slow and it wasn't running right. When he suggested we needed a satellite hookup, I immediately thought of the satellite dish on the roof. Since Play Station and Nintendo are about the extent of my computer expertise, this was kinda my chance to contribute something. Maybe even show off a little. I know every inch of this school and finding the satellite hookup was no big deal. The extra satellite connection was ready in no time.   
  
What I wasn't ready for was the connection between Jake and I.  
  
Somehow we ended up leaning against the roof ledge staring into each other's eyes and then Jake kissed me. It only lasted a few seconds before I realized that Jake was kissing me and I freaked out. Jake apologized and ran off, leaving me completely dazed and confused.   
  
So here I sit, hours later, still dazed and even more confused. I've had plenty of time to replay every second over and over in my mind. Instead of that helping me to find answers, it's only given me more questions. I realized something that I don't even want to think about much less say, but I liked that kiss. I enjoyed that kiss. It only lasted a few seconds, but it felt good. It felt right and for a brief moment I gave in to it and kissed him back. Oh god...it hurts just to see those words on the screen. 'I kissed him back.' It was total pleasure and total horror all at once.  
  
So what does that mean? Am I gay? Does one small kiss make you gay?   
  
Can I even say it was just one small kiss? What about all the other little things that have happened? Just the other night I laid awake for hours thinking about how good Jake smelled! How screwed up is that? And then there's Jake's smile...every time I even so much as think about Jake's smile...I smile. He doesn't even have to be there, all I do is think about what a great smile he has and I end up smiling. That has to prove something is wrong with me. If that weren't enough there's Jake's eyes. He has really amazing, intense green eyes. Just the fact that I know what color Jake's eyes are, should tell me I've switched sides. I've probably met every guy in this school at some point and couldn't tell you what color eyes even one of them had. So why do I know that Jake's eyes are hazel and that he has these long eyelashes that move like tiny little fans.   
  
'Tiny little fans?' Oh god...it's worse than I thought. I have to be totally queer to have even come up with those words!  
  
But in all honesty, it was the eyes and the smile that had me unable to move or look away on the roof. I was stunned by them. Sure we were talking about girls and sex, but when I looked up and saw him looking at me like he was - I was lost. His eyes were so intense. Like they were laughing, but at the same time, so incredibly somber and mysterious. His lips looked so soft and just seemed to scream "kiss me!" When he did kiss me, it was... It was...god, I don't even know how to describe it. Electric, maybe? Because my lips were all tingly even after Jake pulled away. I kept wiping my lips, trying to erase what had happened, but the feeling wouldn't go away.   
  
If Jake were a girl, I'd be shouting from the rooftops that I'd met the love of my life. I'd want everyone to know what an incredible girl I'd met and how lucky I was that she'd kissed me. But Jake isn't a girl and the last thing I want to do is shout this from the rooftop. Jump off the rooftop? Maybe. Shout that Jake kissed me and I liked it? Absolutely not.  
  
So I'm still left with the question - what does all this mean? Am I gay? I never thought I was before, but can I deny how that kiss felt? I mean there's a part of my brain that is stomping around swearing up and down that I'm totally hetero and making lists of the women I've lusted after to prove it. But then there is this other part of my brain that can't stop thinking about Jake and keeps wondering what it would be like to kiss him again.  
  
Is the answer to my question right there?  



	2. Wondering

Monday, July 17, 2000  
  
After a night completely devoid of sleep, this morning I came to the conclusion that what I needed to do was not be around Jake. Since all of this heavy weirdness begins and ends with Jake, I figure if I stay away from Jake...it will all go away.  
  
That doesn't change the fact that I thought about Jake all night. I thought about his eyes, those mysterious, intense eyes. How can they be laughing and so serious all at the same time? I thought about his lips. How soft they were and how they felt against mine. I never thought a guys lips would feel that soft. I guess I always assumed guys were just...I don't know....rougher? I thought about the intensity of those few moments and what it would have been like if I had pulled him back to me instead of letting him back away and leave.  
  
What would we have done then? How is kissing a guy different from kissing a girl? Would I have held him close, so we were pressed against each other? Would I have kissed him then? Would I have wanted more contact and deepened the kiss? Where would my hands go? Would it excite me to be kissing and touching him? Would he get excited? And god, what would that feel like? I can't even imagine what it would be like to feel someone else's erection pressed up against me. I never thought I'd ever be wondering what that would be like! And I'm not entirely sure I want to know. Even now, even with everything that's happened, I'm not sure I want to know any of this.  
  
What I forgot in my sleep-deprived stupor was that we go to the same school, have classes together and are on the same crew team. Makes it a little hard to completely avoid someone when you're forced to be with him 3 hours or more a day. I managed though and got through the day without speaking to Jake. It was hard. Harder than I thought it would be, actually. Jake kept looking at me, like he wanted to talk. He looked so sad, too. It almost made me give in and talk to him, but I was afraid something would happen between us again and I couldn't take that chance. I'm just not ready for what might happen if we're along again.  
  
Wednesday, July 19, 2000  
  
I really thought that ignoring Jake would be easier than this. I thought I would feel better if I didn't talk to him. But I can't completely avoid Jake and the truth is I don't feel better. I haven't been able to stop thinking about him for 2 days. He just looks so sad and alone. I also realized something that I hadn't thought of before (and I don't know why I hadn't) but Jake kissed me. He kissed me - I didn't kiss him. That means that Jake is gay, not me. Maybe I'm just having all these weird thoughts because I'm around someone who is gay and who is obviously interested in being more than friends with me. I've never been friends with someone who was gay before and I've never had another guy kiss me. How the hell am I supposed to know what's a normal reaction and what isn't? Maybe what I need to do is just set the record straight with Jake. Tell him in no uncertain terms that I'm not gay and I'm not comfortable around him since he kissed me. Yeah...that sounds good.   
  
Thursday, July 20, 2000  
  
Today I was supposed to talk to Jake and set things straight between us. Tell him point blank that I'm not gay and I'm not comfortable around him anymore. That was the plan I went to school with anyway.  
  
Things did not go the way I planned.   
  
Somehow things went south on me once I got in his room. Instead of telling him I wasn't comfortable being around him, I agreed that we should forget about and still be friends. I'm still not sure how exactly that happened.   
  
All I know for sure is that as soon as I got near Jake, I was drawn to him again. And my intentions flew out the window. Whatever resolve I may have still possessed was wiped out when we shook hands. I know I held on to his hand longer than I should have, but again those eyes had me. I was concentrating on his eyes, not even realizing that I was still holding his hand from the handshake. I got out of there and practically ran back home.   
  
So here I sit - again. Wondering what it all means and trying to figure out how I'm supposed to deal with this. That handshake was unlike any other I can remember. Jake's hand was soft and smooth, almost delicate and it fit just right in mine. Feeling his skin against mine made my heart race. I didn't want to let go. I even remember running my thumb over the top of his hand. That's like... a sign of affection...I was being affectionate with a guy! What the hell was I thinking? I went there to set things straight with him (how's that for an unintentional pun?) and end up caressing his hand. I'm an idiot.   
  
As I left Jake's room, I had to admit to the possibility that I am gay. Ugh, my stomach ties itself in knots every time I say that word. Anyway, there was no denying how I was feeling towards Jake at that moment. Once I was safe at home though, I started to think about all the other guys around here. There are plenty of them and most of them would be considered good-looking, but I don't have this reaction to anyone but Jake. I couldn't think of one other guy that was even remotely appealing to me. No one caused any tingles or electricity when I thought about them. Which makes me think I'm fine - I'm not gay. But if I sit here and think about Jake's lips against mine and Jake's hand in mine - my shorts start to shrink. And that brings me right back to "I think I'm gay." What is it about Jake that makes him so different and makes me so crazy?!?  
  
Friday, July 21, 2000  
  
Thank God today was Friday. It was really hard trying to act normal during classes and practice after what's happened. At least I don't have to see him this weekend. I can just stay at home and not have to deal with Jake and all the weirdness.  
  
Monday, July 24, 2000  
  
I can't stand this! After a relatively peaceful weekend away from Jake, today was all strange again. I tried to act like nothing was wrong, but every time I look at him, I can't help but wonder what he's thinking about. Is he thinking about me? Is he thinking about kissing me again? Does he know what he's done to me? I should have just decked him when I had the chance. Maybe things would have ended right then and there and I wouldn't be so freaked out.   
  
Tuesday, July 25, 2000   
  
I went to Jake's room first this morning to try and once again, make it clear that if he's gay - fine, but it's not what I want for myself. He didn't argue. He didn't fight. He just said "ok" and left. I should be happy that he agreed so easily. (Of course, that may have had something to do with me threatening to deck him if he ever kissed me again.) So why can't I shake this vague feeling of disappointment? It's almost like I wanted him to try and convince me I was wrong.  
  
I'm back...Jake caught me a little while ago out on the lawn. His bike is gone and I'm thinking the groundskeeper found it. I feel kinda bad, too. I snapped at him at first and I didn't really mean to. It was my idea to put the bike there in the first place. I shouldn't bite his head off when he's asking for my help because I'm worried about being gay. It's just that there were people everywhere and it felt like every one of them could see that there was something between us. It's not as bad when it's Jake and I, but as soon as anyone else is around, I feel like I have "queer" tattooed on my forehead and all the guys are going to find out what's been going on.  
  
We're going after his bike tomorrow night. I'm pretty sure I know where it is and how to get it back. Good thing George is such a "Felicity" freak. Once the show starts, we could probably start the bike in his shop and he wouldn't notice!  
  
Will I be able to not notice Jake, though? How are we supposed to be alone, late at night and keep things normal? Do I want to keep things normal? I like being around Jake. I really do. We have a lot in common and it's fun to hang out with him. But what should I do if "something else" happens? Do I deck him like I threatened, run away or go with it?  
  
In some strange way, I almost wish he would kiss me again - just so I could see what it would be like. So I could see if there is that same intensity and spark the second time.  
  
But in an even bigger way, I wish we could just go back to being just friends again. We could hang out and have fun without opening the floodgates of self-doubt and sexual confusion. This summer was supposed to be fun. I was supposed to enjoy my first session as a Rawley student, not have my life turned upside down.  
  
Wednesday, July 26, 2000  
  
Getting Jake's bike back went better than I thought it would. Maybe there is hope for the friendship thing after all. It was late, we were alone, in close contact with each other but nothing freaky happened. He didn't try to kiss me. I didn't try to kiss him. We talked, laughed at George and his Felicity obsession and enjoyed the rush of sneaking around the school late at night. It was fun. Fun like we had before that kiss screwed everything up. More fun than I'd had in 10 days.   
  
He said a couple of things that are stuck in my mind though. First, he assured me that he wasn't gay. He said that the kiss was a "sketchy moment, " it was over and I didn't have to feel weird around him anymore. A sketchy moment? The guy turns my life upside down by kissing me and then says it was just a sketchy moment. How am I supposed to take that? And where does that leave me if he's not gay? Then, when I commented that the night had been "so Hardy Boys" and he says "yeah, meets Nancy Drew." What does that mean?  
  
Friday, July 28, 2000  
  
I feel like a jerk. I completely blew off Jake today. He invited me for a ride on his bike - something I had asked for in the past - and I didn't even look at him much less give him an answer. I wanted to go, I really did. It sounded like fun and I've wanted to get on that bike since I first laid eyes on it. But I couldn't make myself say yes or say anything at all.  
  
It's just that he came up to me in the common room, right in front of all the guys and thanked me for last night! Without being specific about what we did last night. The look on Eric's face when he heard that...god! It was like he knew everything. I know I'm being paranoid. No one else knows about that kiss or my sudden sexual identity crisis, but why did Jake have say something like that and give people the chance to start wondering about it? That's how rumors get started and the last thing I need is my father hearing rumors about me.  
  
I'm not even sure which would be worse - the guys thinking I'm gay or what my father would do if he thought I was 'tarnishing' his sterling reputation by becoming the subject of school rumors.  
  
Rumors that may end up being true.   
  
When Jake asked me to go for a ride, my first thought was that a motorcycle ride would be so cool. But then I thought about where I would be sitting and I panicked. Sitting behind him...close behind him...holding on. At that moment, with all the guys sitting there...it was a bad idea to say yes.   
  
Right now, I'm thinking it might have been a good idea after all. We could have gotten away from the school and all the extra pairs of eyes and the required physical closeness of the ride would have given me a chance to see what touching him felt like again. Touching him without the pressure of it being considered "unnecessary touching" anyway - like a secret experiment or something. I could see how I felt and maybe get a better idea of what I really want here.   
  
When Jake kissed me, it was about how he felt. He kissed me - he was in control of that moment. On the bike, I could control how much contact was made - he'd be busy driving. Then I could see if my skin heats up and my heart starts to race again.  
  
Oh, hell...who am I kidding? I'm just thinking about touching him and my heart's pounding! So how exactly does one tell his parents that their only son is gay?   
  
End Part 2  
  



	3. Jealousy

Saturday, July 29, 2000  
  
I know that sooner or later, I should apologize to Jake for acting like jerk yesterday, but for now, I'm avoiding it and him. I just don't know what I'm supposed to say. How do I apologize without getting into WHY I acted the way I did? I mean, saying "I'm sorry I acted like an ass, but you made me look gay" will probably lead to a conversation that I'm not ready to have. I'm just not ready to talk to Jake about this. Talking to Jake about my feelings means accepting those feelings when all I really want to do it forget. I CAN'T forget and I haven't been able to make them go away, but I really wish I could.   
  
For now, though, it's the weekend again. I don't have classes or crew, so I can just hide out here at home again and avoid Jake. Now, if only I could mentally erase the hurt look on his face from yesterday...I'd be all set. Yeah, right.  
  
Sunday, July 30, 2000  
  
Mom was starting to wonder what was up today. This was two weekends in a row that I stayed at home instead of doing my usual disappear-until-dinner act. It was enough for her to suspect something was up and start asking questions. To avoid her (I'm doing a lot of avoiding these days) and having to lie to her, I took my camera and headed for the lake. I haven't taken many pictures lately and I can usually count on that to occupy my mind.  
  
That is, as long as what's bothering me doesn't appear in my viewfinder.  
  
As luck would have it, I was taking shots of the sun reflecting off the water when I noticed Jake in the background. He was sitting under a tree with his knees pulled up to his chest like a little kid. My first thought was to leave, but I couldn't stop staring at him. I even snapped a few shots. It was obvious that he hadn't seen me yet and I liked the idea of being able to study him without anyone else around. He looked so small and sad. I would love to know what he was thinking about, but again, that would require discussing feelings and I couldn't do that. The whole time I watched him, he never moved. Those intense eyes of his just stared out across the water, something I've done myself many, many times.   
  
Watching him made me feel guilty again. Was I the reason he was sitting there all alone? Had I hurt him that much? I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about MY feelings. I never really stopped to consider how Jake was feeling. Is he just as confused by all this as I am? Maybe this is all new to him, too and he's not dealing with it any better than I am. He has to feel rejected, too. He put himself out there and took a chance by kissing me and I threatened to hit him. That's more than your average rejection. Another wave of guilt hit me and I decided it was time to apologize for the other day.  
  
I had no idea what I was going to say, but I finally made myself walk over and say hi. He barely acknowledged my presence. I sat down next to him and he made a sarcastic remark about me talking to him now. I guess I deserved at least that much. I said I was sorry for acting like a jerk and prayed he wouldn't want to discuss it further.  
  
Someone must have been listening, because Jake didn't pursue it. We sat in silence for several minutes before he pointed to my camera and asked about what I had been doing. I was so relieved. Plus it was nice to talk photography with someone for a change. Guys around here could generally care less about my pictures.   
  
We sat and talked for a long time, just the two of us. It was nice, but I think we both knew there were serious issues that were being avoided. The one thing we really need to talk about is the one thing I can't even say...us.  
  
Monday, July 31, 2000  
  
Today was pretty normal. We got through the day without anything major happening, but as I sit here tonight I realize that the more I try to "act normal" around Jake, the more I find myself thinking about him. There is just so much about him that I can't explain or don't understand. And as much as I want to know and learn more about him, I'm afraid to because of what I may learn about myself.  
  
Tuesday, August 1, 2000  
  
Jake seems to be doing all the work in keeping our friendship. He's been really careful about everything that comes out of his mouth and every move he makes when I'm around. I think he thinks that I don't know he's doing this, but I do. He's trying so hard to respect my feelings and while I appreciate that, it makes me feel like a coward.  
  
I really need to find someone to take my mind off of Jake. Like some girl I could flirt with and see what happens. Maybe a girlfriend is exactly what I need right now. Now I just need to find the girl...  
  
Wednesday, August 2, 2000  
  
Jake seemed really distracted today. Something was very obviously bothering him. His body was at Rawley Academy, but his mind was definitely somewhere else. I wanted to talk to him, but I chickened out. It's been good having some sort of "normal" between us for the last few days. I didn't want to ruin that by asking him what was wrong. How's that for being a complete coward?  
  
It's not that I don't care, either. In fact, that's exactly the problem. I care too much. It bothers me to see Jake upset. Just how much it bothers me is scary, it reminds me that I think and feel things about Jake that I shouldn't.  
  
Thursday, August 3, 2000  
  
You know that saying "be careful what you wish for, you just might get it." Well, I should have remembered that when I wished for a girl to flirt with. I got one all right...and boy did that plan backfire!  
  
I was in the courtyard today when Mom saw me asked if I could escort a new girl back to the girl's campus. As the Dean's son, giving tours and being an escort are occupational hazards. But I know better than to refuse and she was pretty cute, so I thought this was my big opportunity to prove something to myself.  
  
When Lena said she liked movies, I saw the chance to ask her out and jumped at it. But before she could even give me an answer, Jake showed up and Lena practically jumped on HIM! She said Jake looked like her old boyfriend and I made a total ass out of myself by saying that people thought Jake and I looked alike. Talk about looking pathetic and desperate! Then Lena goes and invites him on OUR date. My perfect chance to prove I'm not gay is going down in flames...fast. I got her out of there right away, but the damage is already done. The three of us are going to the movies tomorrow night and all Lena could talk about on the way to the other campus was Jake. Great, just great.  
  
As it turned out, I wasn't finished being humiliated for the day either. I went to the dorms after I left Lena. I was hanging out in the common room when Ryder shows up with a video camera and starts harassing people. For the life of me, I can't figure out what his major malfunction is. He's been a jerk from the moment he set foot here and no one is safe when he's around.  
  
He started picking on Harry and Will and I had just had enough. My bad day wasn't getting any better and I was sick of watching Ryder pick on people. Choosing that moment to stand up to him, I made a comment about the camera being school property. Note to self, next time you stand up to a bully, don't say something quite so stupid and lame!   
  
Ryder of course, shot back and proceeded to inform the entire room (and by extension, the entire school) that I am a virgin. Being a virgin isn't bad enough, now everyone knows that I am. Life just keeps getting better and better...  
  
Saturday, August 5, 2000  
  
What a disaster! The movie tonight was about as far from what I wanted when I asked Lena out as it could get. Not only did Lena ignore me all night in favor of drooling over Jake, she had the nerve to ask me to help her hook up with him!   
  
My big plan to prove my manhood failed miserably and worst of all, I have to admit that I was jealous. Jealous that Lena wasn't flirting with me, jealous that she was flirting with Jake and jealous because Jake didn't stop her.   
  
Lena said she liked Jake because he was hard to read. I've thought the same exact thing a hundred times or more, but I hated hearing it come from her. The idea of Jake and Lena together doesn't sit well with me, at all. But is it because I want Lena for myself...or because I want JAKE for myself.  
  
Thank God Lena goes back to L.A. soon. This extra confusion is the last thing I need right now.  
  
Sunday, August 6, 2000  
  
Can I just put Lena on the plane myself? Please! Last night wasn't bad enough...noooo...she had to come to the house today and ask me again to help her hook up with Jake. She wanted to know why I thought her and Jake together was a bad idea. Like I was going to answer that question! "Yeah, Lena, I don't want you to like Jake because you were supposed to help me prove I wasn't gay" or "I don't want you to like Jake because I like Jake and I don't want you to have him." Which one sounds better?  
  
Monday, August 7, 2000  
  
I give up. I just give up. This summer was supposed to be great and it's been anything but that.   
  
Knowing Lena was leaving today, I tried to be a "good loser" when I saw Jake in the courtyard. I told him that Lena liked him, not me. Then Jake started talking about chemistry. How some people just click and you can't control it, they just do. I started to wonder if he was referring to Lena or me. I tried asking him if he even liked her, but that confused things more. Giving up and wanting out of the conversation, I told him to go for it - I was cool with whatever happens. I'm anything BUT cool with it, but hey, that's another one of those things I don't want to face right now. Besides, she was leaving, right? On her way to the airport, as in not around until fall, right? I could be gracious and tell him to go for it, knowing full well she wouldn't be here.   
  
Turns out, things moved faster than I thought they would. Not more than an hour after my conversation with Jake, I'm in the dorm. Headed for Jake's room, in fact, when I hear all sorts of hooting and hollering. I asked what was going on never expecting the answer I would get.   
  
"Jake had that hot Cali chick in his room."  
  
I was not ready for that, not ready at all.   
  
Jake tried to tell me that it wasn't what it looked like, but the incredibly guilty look on his face told me that it was exactly what it looked like. I felt like I had been kicked in the chest and couldn't breathe. I needed to get out of there. As soon as I was out of the dorm, I grabbed my bike and rode like hell. I needed to be alone.  
  
So Jake is not gay and Jake is with Lena. Where does that leave me? I have no idea. The guy who KISSED me and made me think I might be gay is now involved with a girl. But I still have a lot of unresolved feelings for that guy and I'm more confused than ever.  
  
Someone tell me again why I didn't wait for the fall semester to start school?  



	4. The Truth Comes Out

Tuesday, August 8, 2000  
  
The last two days I've spent a long time sitting in the woods thinking about everything that has happened this summer. And I still don't have any answers. In order to get answers, I need Jake. I need to talk to him, openly and honestly about his feelings and mine. The problem is that I just can't seem to make myself do that. I haven't found the courage to say these things aloud. Once I say them, I can't take them back. I know I should, none of this confusion is going to go away until I do, but I still can't find the nerve to do it. I hate feeling like such a coward.  
  
It isn't as easy as just accepting that I'm gay. Even if I accept the feelings I have for Jake, it's still confusing because there isn't a single other guy that makes me feel this way. If I truly were gay, shouldn't I at least think other guys were at least attractive? And what about this thing with Lena? If Jake is with Lena now, can I even still assume that he's gay and attracted to me? Hell, they were in his room alone! What guy has a girl alone in his room if he's gay?   
  
But this is getting tiring and I'm going to have to find the nerve soon. I'm tired of not being able to sleep at night. I'm tired of watching everything I say, think and do. I'm tired of the white elephant in the room every time I'm alone with Jake.  
  
Today, for once, I let myself think freely. Instead of forcing Jake from my thoughts, I let my mind wander. It went straight to Jake. I thought about his eyes, his lips, his hands and what he looks like when he's not buried under 10 layers of clothes. I thought about why he wears so many clothes. Is he insecure about his looks? That doesn't seem like Jake, though, because he's normally so confident and doesn't seem to give a damn what other people think. Two things I happen to like very much about Jake. What does he think about late at night? Is he thinking about me when I'm staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep, because I'm thinking about him? Does my face invade his dreams, like his does mine? Will we ever kiss again? Will we ever take the chance and find out what exactly this "chemistry" is between us? If we did kiss again and I liked it, what would happen next?   
  
If I wanted to kiss Jake again, how would I? And when? Do I just walk into his room and kiss him? Or should we talk about things first? Should I plan for it or just go with the moment should the right moment come along? When exactly is the "right moment," anyway? I can't deny that the idea of touching or kissing Jake again turns me on. I just can't seem to make myself act on it.  
  
So until I can, decided to just sit back, do nothing and let Jake and Lena be together.  
  
Wednesday, August 9, 2000  
  
I know I said I was going to be cool with this Lena/Jake thing, but it just isn't working.  
  
First of all, Lena didn't go back to LA. She decided that she liked it here and wanted to stay for the rest of the summer. Instead of going back home and coming back in the fall, she canceled her flight and asked her parents to send her things out. I wonder how much of her decision was based on the school and how much was based on Jake?  
  
Second, it doesn't help that I can't tell if they are even really together. I mean, Lena fawns all over Jake, but Jake doesn't seem to respond. Take today in class, Lena was sitting next to Jake, but it wasn't like they were together. Not like Scout and Paige, anyway. Scout was practically inside her shirt! It was REAL obvious that they were together. Anyway, Finn gets Jake on the hot seat by asking him if he's had a crush lately. Talk about a loaded question! Jake tells him "maybe" while looking right at me, not Lena. Then Finn asks him what song "makes him feel" and to recite the lyrics. Now the whole time he's doing this, he's looking at me, and one of the lines was about not being able to walk away. He never once looked at Lena until she cut in with the last line.  
  
The summer cotillion is coming up and I have to go - Dad's orders. I wish I had a date, especially if Jake will be taking Lena. With a date, I wouldn't feel like such a complete loser and maybe that would help keep my mind off seeing Lena and Jake together all night. I hate that intense wave of jealousy that hits whenever I see them together.  
  
Thursday, August 10, 2000  
  
How do I get myself into these messes? I was sure that Jake would be taking Lena to the dance tomorrow. So imagine my surprise when today after practice, Jake tells me he's going "solo." I was still trying to process this new information and it's possible implications - while still trying to sound cool - when Jake suggests that we go together. Imagine my greater surprise when I heard myself agree - only to have Jake then refer to it as a date!  
  
A date? How the hell am I supposed to do this? I can't go on a date with Jake! Even if he didn't mean it in the romantic sense - and I'm not sure he didn't - I just can't do it. Jake and I together, at a dance, I don't think I can handle it. I've been to these things before, sure there's dancing, but there is also a lot of flirting, hugging and kissing going on, too. What if Jake gets carried away and does something? Or worse, what if I WANT Jake to do something?  
  
I have to find a way out of this mess.  
  
Friday, August 11, 2000  
  
For once, my prayers were heard! Lena asked ME to the cotillion today. I was so relieved to have a way out of my date with Jake I totally overlooked the fact that she asked me if I was taking Jake. Of course, Jake showed up mid-conversation. I could tell he was hurt by my change in plans, but I was so happy to have a female kind of date for tonight, I didn't care. I feel guilty about that now, but then...I was only thinking about myself.  
  
Jake's not even going now. When I asked him if he decided to ask anyone, he said he was going to skip the whole thing. Then he said the only person he had his eye on was going with someone else. Was he referring to me? And what happened between him and Lena? Did they have some kind of a fight already?  
  
I don't know how much more of this I can take. I really need to find the courage to talk to Jake, but first, I need to get through this dance...  
  
There was a time when I thought that going to a cotillion - as a student with a date instead of as the Dean's kid - would be a fun thing. The moment is finally here and I'm dreading the whole thing. My first summer at Rawley has been like a bad dream that I can't wake up from.  
  
Friday, August 11, 2000  
  
JAKE IS A GIRL!  
  
Jake is a girl. Jake is a girl. Jake is a girl. Jake is a girl. Jake is a girl. Jake is a girl. I keep saying it over and over and over, but I still can't believe it.  
  
Jake, my friend and fellow student here at Rawley Academy for BOYS, is really a girl. Tits and all.  
  
He...SHE...has been lying to me since day one. I've been going out of my mind thinking that I'm gay because I'm attracted to Jake - who I think is a guy. I finally work up the nerve to do something about that and HE tells me he's a SHE!   
  
I am so mad right now I can hardly see straight.   
  
Why? How? Why? Why is she even here and not at Rawley Girls? Why not tell me from the beginning? I'm not a narc. I would have at least listened to her story. And why didn't she tell me after she kissed me on the roof that day? She could have spared me weeks of self-torture. Couldn't she tell how much that bothered me? Why wait until I kiss Jake to finally tell me the truth?  
  
Yeah, can't forget about that part. I finally worked up the nerve to kiss Jake tonight.   
  
When Jake showed up at the cotillion tonight after all, Lena told me it was obvious that Jake and I were in love - with each other. She also told me to follow my heart, throw caution to the wind and go be with Jake. She used every cliché in the book, but still, hearing someone ELSE say out loud that I was in love with Jake was enough to cause a major anxiety attack. Instead of going to Jake - I ran the other way.   
  
Safely in another room, I got mad at myself for being such a coward. Again. So when Jake found me a little while later and said he needed to talk to me...I said I needed to talk to him, too. The worst thing happened in the next moment. Jake was saying something and I was so focused on his lips that I started leaning into them. I realized I was about to kiss him! Right there, in the middle of the dance, I was about to kiss Jake! Naturally, I freaked again, told him I couldn't do this and walked away. Once again feeling like a coward for not being able to deal with my own feelings.   
  
Then the most amazing thing happened. I decided to go after Jake. To once and for all, find out if there really was something more between us. I finally had the nerve to face the fact that I might be gay and in love with another guy. I followed him to the bathroom and before he could object...I kissed him.  
  
Yep, I kissed Jake. Jake kissed me back. It was amazing. Every cell in my body felt that kiss. I couldn't deny my feelings anymore. I even said the "g" word out loud. But then Jake jumped in with a "g" word of his own and my world went spinning out of control once again.  
  
I was standing there thinking that there's no doubt left that we're gay when Jake tells me it's not what I think. How could it not be what I was thinking? We kissed and it was awesome. Then I hear "I'm a girl."  
  
WHAT?  
  
I'm standing there like a complete idiot, so confused I'm not even sure of my own name anymore, when Jake starts unbuttoning his shirt and babbling about nail polish and bikinis. Next thing I know, I'm staring at a very nicely filled out black bra!  
  
Which brings me back to - Jake is a girl. And has been all along.  
  
I should be happy. If Jake is a girl then I'm not gay, right? But I'm not happy. I thought Jake was a guy and I kissed him anyway. I thought Jake was my best friend and he's been lying to me in a huge way. Jake is a girl.  
  
Jake is a girl. Jake is a girl. Jake is a girl. Jake is a girl.   
  
I can say that all night and I doubt I'll believe it. Or understand it. Or be anything less than furious. Why, Jake? Why?  
  
Saturday, August 12, 2000  
  
I didn't sleep at all last night. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Jake in that black bra. The sight of a girl in her bra should be the stuff that dreams are made of, but for me this is a nightmare.   
  
How did I miss this? How could I NOT see that Jake was a girl? The signs were certainly there, but how did I miss them?  
  
And why! Why is she here? What possible reason could a girl have for enrolling at Rawley Boys? I mean this isn't the Citadel, we do have a girls school and co-ed classes. Why on earth come to an all boys school?  
  
Why lie to me? Even if Jake didn't know me well enough to trust me at first, getting his...HER... motorcycle back should have proved that I could be trusted. I could have gone to my father with that, but I didn't. No...I even helped get the thing back from the Grounds Shop.   
  
And how? How has she managed to not get caught, yet? I know I was fooled, but I don't live there. The guys in the dorm all use the same bathrooms and showers. How has she been showering without getting caught?  
  
Does she have any idea how much trouble she's going to be in if my father finds out? My god! He'll blow a gasket, especially if word gets out. The school's rep will take a serious hit for this...I can see it now...veins will explode. A GIRL managed to infiltrate his precious Rawley Academy and tarnish it's sterling reputation. If I didn't have an emotional stake in this, it would be freaking hilarious.   
  
But there is nothing funny about how I feel right now. Hurt, betrayed, confused...those don't even begin to cover it.  
  
I just don't understand.  
  
Sunday, August 13, 2000  
  
I can't decide whether to be more hurt, angry or confused.  
  
I'm hurt because my so-called best friend lied to me, in the biggest way I can imagine.  
  
I'm angry because Jake knew I was having trouble dealing with the whole "kiss" incident and she just let me go on thinking she was a guy and I was gay. I think I'd still be angry to learn that Jake is a girl, but I'd be a whole lot LESS angry if I'd found out sooner.  
  
And I'm still unbelievably confused as to why the hell she's doing all this in the first place!  
  
It pisses me off that I can't stop thinking about the kiss, either. If I thought the quick little kiss on the roof was good - the one Friday was incredible. It was totally electric. I was ready to admit that I was gay after that kiss. But I don't know if I can forgive Jake for lying to me. In every way, over and over, she lied to me. How am I supposed to forget about that?   
  
But if I WERE able to forget about it...would we be able to be together? I mean, the whole school thinks she's a guy. How would we work out being together? If we did...I could kiss her again and as mad as I am, the idea of kissing Jake still turns me on. Maybe this time, the kiss wouldn't lead to mass confusion or a sexual identity crisis. Then again, girls are just plain confusing - I've been watching the Rawley Princesses for years and still don't get them - so god only knows what might happen if we kissed again!!  
  
I guess more than anything I need to hear why. I NEED to know why. I doubt I'll have a sane moment until I hear an explanation. As hard as I try to find a reason for this, I just can't. I can't even begin to imagine what brought her here. The only person who can help me understand is Jake.   
  
And to do that, I have to stop hiding and talk to her.  
  
Monday, August 14, 2000  
  
I must really be crazy about Jake. There is no way I could forgive her so quickly if these feelings weren't for real.  
  
Drastic change from last night, huh?  
  
Well, I went to see her this morning before school. I was exhausted, mentally and physically. I hadn't slept all weekend and I just wanted it all to be OVER. But then I got there and saw her. REALLY saw her. For the first time, Jake wasn't buried under layers of clothes. Jake was wearing boxers and a tank top. Jake had soft curves and long legs. Jake looked as tired and vulnerable as I felt. Standing close to her, I could smell that wonderful scent that I loved all along. I wanted to touch her, feel her and know that it was ok to enjoy it. I made one last, feeble attempt at macho before I gave up and kissed her again.   
  
Can you say freaking amazing? It was such a relief to be with Jake and not have the little voice inside my head screaming; "it's wrong for you to like him." Once we started, I couldn't get enough of her. Even my overwhelming desire for an explanation took a backseat to non-verbal communication. So much so, we ended up late for class. I wanted to so much to go back to her room and continue, but classes, Will, Scout and my mother all got in the way. I didn't even get to kiss her goodnight. I can't wait to get her alone again.  
  
I did find out a few things though. Her Mom is some famous actress who treats her more like a stage prop than a daughter. I remembered that she told me about waiting for someone to notice that she'd changed schools 6 times. Apparently, coming to Rawley Boys was supposed to up the ante and ensure that her mother would notice, but it didn't work. She said she was going to leave, but couldn't because of me.   
  
As angry as I am about her lying, when she said she couldn't leave because of the way she felt about me, I felt so good. It was such a rush to know someone actually wanted me as much as I wanted her.  
  
I think I'm finally going to have some good dreams tonight.  



	5. Yeah, sweet story.

  
Tuesday, August 15, 2000  
  
I couldn't wait to see Jake this morning. She was the last thing I thought about before I fell asleep and the first thing I thought about when I woke up this morning. I skipped working out and headed straight for Jake's room. We didn't get the chance to be alone last night and I couldn't wait to kiss her again. I could definitely get used to kissing Jake every morning. Make that every morning, every afternoon and every night.  
  
We spent some time making up for last night's interruptions and then went to breakfast before class. Coming out of the Dining Hall, we saw Rob and Mike hanging banners for Parent's Weekend. Jake's mood changed instantly. I asked if her Mom was coming and she said she hadn't talked to her mother in weeks. Ouch. I can't imagine not talking to my mom for any length of time. I may not talk to her like we used to, but she's at home every night and I know that if I wanted to talk - she would drop everything. Jake thought her mom didn't know about Parent's Weekend since she hadn't told her about it. When I told Jake that invitations are sent out to all Rawley parents, she flipped and ran back to her room to call home. She didn't get to class until after Finn had started and I could tell that she wasn't happy.  
  
I really wanted to talk to her alone, but again, we never got the chance. There were too many people around during the day and once classes and practice were over, dad had me working on his "The-Parents-Are-Coming! The-Parents-Are-Coming!" project list. I've always hated the week between the Cotillion and Parent's Weekend because dad generally freaks out all week and then disappears all weekend. He also manages to find a million extra things for me to do. Like he doesn't have an entire staff at his disposal! It's annoying to have to do all this work for other people's parents and then hardly see mine for 3 days. This week I'm particularly annoyed since it's cutting into my time with Jake.  
  
  
Wednesday, August 16, 2000  
  
I was in the library today doing yet another of Dad's little projects when I saw Jake outside on the lawn talking to some of the guys from the dorm. It was weird to see her like that. She was just laughing and talking, but it was really freaky for me. I know that Jake is a girl, but she just LOOKED so much like a guy. It brought back all of the gay issues. I fell for Jake when I thought Jake was a guy. Yes, she was really a girl at the time, but I didn't know that until a few days ago. And Jake LOOKS like a guy all the time, but I'm still attracted to her. I think about Jake all the time. Even though she's not really a guy, doesn't it say something about me that I'm attracted to someone who looks and acts like a guy?  
  
It was more than a little disconcerting and now I'm even more ticked off that we didn't get any time alone again tonight. I really need to be with her. I need to touch her, kiss her, and hear her giggle or whisper in my ear and just generally reassure myself that she is really a girl.   
  
  
Thursday, August 17, 2000  
  
What a mess! Jake's mom has decided to come for Parent's Weekend after all, but she's coming to Rawley Girls. Obviously, Jake doesn't go to Rawley Girls, and if she gets caught at Rawley Boys, she's gone. Dad will throw her out so fast, I wouldn't even have time to say goodbye. So now we have a big problem on our hands. How to get Jake through this weekend without getting caught? We've got to let her mom think Jake goes to Rawley girls and at the same time, keep them both far away from as many other people as possible - especially my parents. The little bit of time we had together tonight was spent trying to figure out how to do this and not get caught. It really pisses me off because Jake said something earlier that I can't get out of my mind. She said she needed to shave her legs. That got me to thinking about what she looked like Monday morning in boxers and a tank top. I haven't seen her like that since and we've had very little time alone this week. I'm in withdrawal or something. I need a Jake fix. I need a nice long time to be alone with her in her room. I need to see her in boxers and a tank top again. Better yet, that black bra from the night of the cotillion. As I recall, she filled that out rather nicely. Maybe this time I could enjoy the moment instead of feeling like I'd just been hit by a truck.  
  
It also got me thinking about what she looked like before she came to Rawley. I hadn't thought about it before, but I have no idea what she looked like. I can't form a mental picture of her as a real girl, like in a dress or with her hair done and wearing makeup. Hell...I don't even know if she did those things before she came here. Maybe she was never into being feminine and that's why it was so easy for her to fool us all. I've been so caught up in the "now" of all this, I forget about the rest of the world and everything else.  
  
I can't really imagine Jake as the cheerleader/prom queen type, but I'd like to think that she'd dress up given the chance. That doesn't mean I don't like her tomboy side. I love having her as my best friend, too. I love the fact that she's totally into video games, sports, motorcycles and all that, it's just so confusing sometimes. It seriously messes with my head when I'm kissing her and she's dressed as a guy. I know she's a girl, I just wish she could LOOK more like a girl in those moments. God, it sounds like I'm complaining and I'm not. I've got the best of both worlds in Jake - a best friend and a girlfriend all in one. A girlfriend who has a single room that my parents don't know about. I just wish I didn't question my sexuality every time I kissed her.  
  
Anyway, if Jake can keep her Mom away from campus like we planned, we should get through this just fine. Her Mom isn't coming until Saturday, so we only have to get through 2 days and then we can FINALLY spend some time alone. Actually, since most of the other parents will get here tomorrow, Mom and Dad will be occupied with them. We might just get to be alone...I wonder if I could talk her into showing me that bra again?  
  
  
Friday, August 18, 2000  
  
For once, my wish came true!  
  
Jake went shopping in town today and guess what she bought? Dresses! Thank god for dresses!   
  
I was so nervous waiting for her to change. I had hoped for that moment, but I didn't really know what to expect and I was worried that if I reacted the wrong way, I would hurt her feelings. She looked terrific, though and I finally got to spend time making out with my girlfriend without worrying about being gay. It was such a relief and totally amazing. I enjoyed this afternoon SO much! It was just incredible to kiss her and hold her without all of the layers she usually wears being in the way. When I put my hands on her waist, there were actual curves there - not a sweatshirt, t-shirt, belt and baggy jeans. I could put my hand on her shoulder and actually feel her skin. And I just about lost it when she pressed up against me and I could feel her chest against mine. I still had wood when I got home and just thinking about her in that dress is making me horny all over again.   
  
  
Saturday, August 19, 2000  
  
One down, one to go. We made it through the day without getting caught, but tomorrow is going to be a lot harder. Jake's Mom reminded us that there is a luncheon at Rawley Girls tomorrow. It just happens to be at the same time as the first heat of the Regatta! It never even occurred to me to check the schedule of events for Rawley Girls, since the goal was to keep Jake's Mom AWAY from campus. We're going to have to do a lot of running around tomorrow to pull this off. I think we can do it, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. Jake is the most amazing thing that's happened to me and I don't want to lose her.  
  
I was supposed to stay away from Jake and her Mom today, but curiosity got the better of me and I was watching from the garden when she arrived. I couldn't help it. Jake still hasn't really explained what went on between her and her mother to make her come here as a boy. So I don't understand their relationship and I was really curious to see what her Mom was like.   
  
It's a good thing I was there. It hadn't even been 5 minutes and her Mom was headed right for the girl's dorm. Not what we had planned at all! I jumped in and told her Mom that my Dad wanted me to give her a personal tour. She seemed to like that and I made sure we stayed off the beaten path. I more confused now, though. Her Mom seems really nice. She talked about herself a lot and got a bunch of phone calls, but she seemed interested in the school, what Jake was doing and even me. When she found out I was into photography, she offered to show my pictures to Peter Beard! Peter Beard....that's like a dream come true. So, I totally don't get why Jake is here. I had her Mom pegged as some "Mommie Dearest" type prima donna. She didn't seem like that at all. Jake and I need to have a long talk as soon as all this is over. Assuming of course, that we don't blow it and get caught.  
  
I did learn something interesting, though. Jake's real name is Jacqueline. It took me by surprise when she corrected me. I can't believe I didn't think to ask about her name. I really have to work on thinking beyond "whew, Jake is a girl."   
  
Jacqueline. Jacqueline Pratt.   
  
I like it.  
  
  
Sunday, August 20, 2000  
  
We made it! We pulled it off and got through the weekend without getting caught. I am so relieved! We even won the Regatta. Dad is pretty happy right now and didn't even notice how late I came home tonight. After Jake's Mom left, we finally got to sit down and talk about everything. We had so many things to talk about - her, her mom, sex, us, the rest of the school...  
  
I guess I understand her reason for coming here better, but still not completely. She said her Mom ignores her and always has. Like motherhood was just another role and she got tired of it when it got in the way of her career and having a good time. I can sort of relate to that part since Dad has a long history of putting the school and his career before everything else, including me. No, let's make that, ESPECIALLY me. But Mom and I have always been close, so I don't have complete sense of abandonment that Jake has.  
  
Jake wanted to come here and make her mom take notice. Force her to realize that she didn't know her daughter at all. Force her into fixing their relationship. Even though things didn't work out like Jake initially planned, Monica did notice some things. She admitted that she really didn't know what was going on in Jake's life, but then they didn't talk about that or make any plans to change it. Her Mom left and things don't seem to be any different than before. So I don't get it. I don't see how any of this is going to help their relationship. Jake was lying to her all weekend and she didn't even realize it. As much as I want Jake to have a better relationship with her mother - it's a double-edged sword. If her mother gets more involved with her life, she's bound to find out about Rawley Boys and then Jake will have to leave. Not something I want at all. Jake may have turned my life upside down this summer, but right now I wouldn't have it any other way.  
  
Then she brought up sex. Even though we didn't tell her about us, her Mom figured out right away that we are together and started asking about our relationship, including whether we were having sex, yet. Needless to say - Jake freaked. Our relationship is still so new, not to mention unusual, and we hadn't even talked about having sex, yet. Well, sex with each other, that is. There is still that oh-so-embarrassing conversation we were having when Jake kissed me on the roof. But sex with each other? No. We're still getting used to being able to kiss each other and enjoy it. Sex is like...so much farther down the road. But we did agree that when it happens, it happens and we shouldn't try to rush it. Have I thought about having sex with Jake? Only like a hundred times a day, but are Jake and I going to have sex anytime soon? I doubt it.  
  
I was kinda happy when she said she was a virgin, too. I'm not sure if I could handle it if she had and I hadn't. It's already a bit intimidating that she rides a motorcycle, lives in New York, has traveled the world and can hack into NASA. If she were more sexually experienced than I am, it might be more than my ego could handle. I like knowing that it would be new for both of us. Of course, then I slipped and told Jake I was a virgin, too. So much for trying to be a stud. Naturally, I tried to act all cool and cover up by saying I'd come close, but the truth is that I haven't and I think she saw right through me. I guess it's okay. Hell, thanks to Ryder, Jake was probably the only person on campus that DIDN'T already know. But still, I would have liked to tell her that in a different situation. Not while racing across the lake trying to get to practice on time.   
  
We also talked about how much more careful we need to be. We've been so wrapped up in Jake's situation and our feelings for each other that we both kinda forgot to look around the school and see what the OTHER guys were seeing. Calhoun made that real obvious by calling us as "lovebirds" in front of the crew team today. I can just imagine what Ryder would do if he got it into his head that Jake and I were together. God help us, the rumor mill would go into overdrive! And if Dad hears that I'm in a relationship with a male student, he'll freak out and start asking a LOT of questions. I'm sure he'd find out the truth and we'd be in a world of hurt. Jake has been able to fool the entire school administration and he won't take kindly to that at all. His son being gay would be one thing, but making him look foolish in front of the school board - look out.   
  
All in all, it was another long, exhausting and emotionally draining weekend. I am so tired. I'd give anything for a few normal days. One good thing about this weekend, though, is that now Jake has 2 dresses hidden in her room. Dresses I hope to see again very soon. I'm not really into pink, but right now, the more feminine - the better I like it. I'm going to go to sleep now and dream about Jake in a dress...or out of a dress. Grrr...  
  
  



	6. Three Little Words and a Dream

Monday, August 21, 2000  
  
I've been going through pictures all night. I'm supposed to be putting together my stuff to send to Jake's Mom, but that didn't get done. I can't decide what to send and then I found the pictures I took of Jake on her motorcycle that first day. It's only been a few weeks and yet, it seems like ages ago. So much has happened this summer. Who knew that one little picture could launch a sexual identity crisis like that? I keep looking at those pictures. They are the only ones I have of Jake. As a photographer, you'd think I'd have more pictures of my own girlfriend. I have about 600 pictures of New Rawley Lake, but only 3 of my girlfriend. Then again, my girlfriend is dressed like my boyfriend in those pictures.... I'll have to get Jake to let me take pictures of her dressed as a girl sometime. It would be nice to have real photographs - not just mental ones - of those rare and wonderful moments.   
  
I'm still stuck on what to send though. I have no idea what kind of pictures she had in mind. Landscapes? People? Action shots? I don't know. I've never shown my stuff to anyone else before and I don't have a clue how to choose pictures for someone else.   
  
I'm also having second thoughts about sending them at all. As incredible as it is to get the chance to have Peter Beard look at my pictures, it's also terrifying. What if he hates them? What if he says I have no talent as a photographer? My career would be over before it even began.  
  
Just what I needed this summer...more stress!  
  
Tuesday, August 22, 2000  
  
Jake and I have been talking about what to do about the other guys. We really need to make sure they don't suspect anything, so we decided to try and hang out with other people more often. If we aren't always seen alone, it might help keep the rumors down.   
  
That means even MORE sneaking around to get time alone, but if word gets out and she gets caught - we won't have ANY alone time.  
  
I have to wonder what Dad would do though - IF he found out. As the Dean, I know he'd be furious and out for blood. But would he consider MY feelings at all? Would the fact that I'd be completely miserable without Jake have any impact on him or his decision? It would really be a test of how much I mean to him versus how much the school means to him. I don't really want to take that test. I'm pretty sure I'd lose to the school yet again. I guess can understand WHY he'd have to expel Jake - I just don't think I could forgive him for it.  
  
Wednesday, August 23, 2000  
  
Jake and I were both distracted all day today. We weren't fighting or anything - there's nothing to fight about - we just had other things on our minds. Jake didn't tell me what she was thinking about, but I was thinking about pictures.  
  
I finally picked some pictures and sent them to Jake's Mom. I gave up trying to figure of what THEY would like and just sent MY favorites. I had half a mind to send a picture of Jake the boy in the batch - just to see if her Mom would notice, but I didn't. It's not my place and if her Mom DID notice...all hell might break loose.  
  
I have no idea how long it will be before I hear something from either Monica or Peter Beard. I can only hope that it's soon and he likes the pictures. I can't handle thinking about what I'm going to do if he doesn't like them.  
  
  
Thursday, August 24, 2000  
  
Jake went shopping again today, but wouldn't let me come with her. I was totally bummed. I'm not into shopping, but getting away from school sounded like a great idea and I was hoping she was going shopping for more girl clothes. More dresses would make a day of shopping totally worth it. I liked Jake in a dress. It's only been 4 days since I saw her dressed up, but it feels like a VERY LONG four days. I didn't even get to see her tonight. She still hadn't come back before I headed into the darkroom.   
  
Friday, August 25, 2000  
  
Ice cream and Jake. Two of my favorite things and I got both tonight. It's been a good night.   
  
Jake and I stopped by the diner for ice cream while Will and Scout were working. Since the place was pretty empty, it was cool to just hang out and talk to them while they worked. Something funky is going on with Calhoun though, I'm just not sure what. I think it involves Bella from the gas station, but I'm not sure. Maybe he's got a crush on her and doesn't know what to do about it. Should I pass on Lena's "throw caution to the wind" advice? Yeah, right. Of course, I don't think things between Scout and Bella could be anywhere near as weird as they are between Jake and I. I think we have the lock on weirdness right now.  
  
After the ice cream, we went back to her room for dessert. The only thing better than ice cream is kissing Jake.  
  
Saturday, August 26, 2000   
  
I told Jake I loved her today. I didn't plan it. I didn't rehearse it. I didn't think about it before I said it. I didn't even know I was going to say it until the words were out of my mouth. But once they were, I realized that I meant them. Jake is everything to me and even though this wonderful, romantic moment came after a day of frustration and confusion - I wouldn't trade any single second of it if it meant changing that part.   
  
What prompted this startling revelation? Our First Date. Yep, we actually went out on a real date today...and what a disaster it was! I tried to be the manly man and Jake was in militant feminist mode.  
  
The day started off well enough. Jake came to the gym with me this morning and it was nice to have company - especially Jake's company. Later we were in her room talking about what Will and Scout must be thinking about us and she tells me "you know you like boys, that's why you like me." TALK ABOUT HITTING BELOW THE BELT! Like I hadn't already run that idea through my mind a few thousand times. It bothers me like crazy that I get turned on when I'm with Jake and she'd dressed like a guy. When she's wearing jeans, layers of T-shirts, and a corset so there isn't a curve in sight and yet, I'm turned on. I'm still scared that one of these days I'm going to find a real guy that does this to me.   
  
Than Jake suggests we go on a date. A real one. She'll even wear a dress and these sexy slip on-high heels. Hell yes, I was up for that! Like I would ever turn down the chance to be with Jake the girl - being out in public was just a bonus. Of course, we had to have a little run in with Ryder first and now Ryder knows Jake has a motorcycle. I'm not sure how much damage control we'll need to do there.  
  
Jake totally surprised me when we stopped for her to change. She came out in this tight, short tank top dress with those heels! WOW! Long legs and curves everywhere - I was in heaven. For once, things felt normal. She's the girl. I'm the guy. WE are a normal couple. Instead of an attention-seeking cross-dresser and her pathetic sap of a boyfriend.  
  
I drove to the restaurant and it felt so good to have Jake holding on to me. When we got there, I held her hand and kissed her right there in the parking lot. It was like kissing her for the first time all over again. There were people everywhere and I could kiss my girlfriend. Again, I was in heaven. It was the best feeling. Then we went into the restaurant and everything went south on me.   
  
I was trying to be nice and chivalrous and Jake kept throwing it back in my face. I tried to tell her how hot she looked and she laughed at me. Maybe calling her "foxy" wasn't the best way to do it, but all I wanted to do was let her know how great she looked. It was such a relief for me to be with her out in public and have her BE A GIRL. We didn't have to hide or worry about every move. I was just trying to let her know how much I was enjoying it.   
  
The next thing I knew, we were trading insults instead of enjoying our first chance to be together as a normal couple. Eventually, we got through lunch, but then ran into more problems when the check arrived. I wanted to pay for lunch. It was the first time I had ever taken a girl out without my father "suggesting" it. I wanted to treat her. I wanted her to have a good time and enjoy being herself for a change. I wanted this to be a real date!   
  
Lunch ended with more insults and then Jake almost went into the men's room. Rawley Academy was still with us even though we were more than an hour away from campus. So, we left. Instead of going somewhere else and enjoying our freedom, we headed back for Jake to change. While she was, I couldn't stop thinking about how screwed up things were. I was angry, hurt and more confused than before. Just about then Jake came back out. She made a comment about being a freak or something and I couldn't help but point out that this IS a pretty freaky situation. I wasn't trying to hurt her feelings. I was just feeling pretty confused and hurt myself.   
  
She asked me if I still liked her. And that's when it came out. I didn't even realize I had said it until she stopped me. Then, of course, she made me repeat it. The best part was she said she loves me, too. What a rush...she loves me. Five minutes on the dock and 3 words salvaged the whole day.   
  
We ended up at the diner with Will, Scout and Bella. Not touching each other, not able to speak freely, hiding our relationship and Jake's identity from everyone. I guess that's what "normal" is going to be for us. But Jakes love me, so I guess I can deal with that.   
  



	7. I'm An Idiot

Sunday, August 27, 2000  
  
Surprise! Jake can play football.   
  
We played with some guys from the dorm today and I was shocked as hell that on the very first play, she got past me with the ball. I had no idea she knew how to play football. I guess there are still a lot of things I don't know about Jake. I really wish we had more time to be together without the guys around. There are so many things I'd like to talk about and do with her, but can't because there are other guys around who happen to think she is a guy, too. There has to be a way for us to be together more often!  
  
But it was really fun playing and I tackled Jake every chance I got. It was the only way I got to touch her all day. This is Sunday and I had to be home early. Sunday nights are really the only night I can count on Dad to be around and he always makes a big deal out of dinner. Last weekend he was still busy with Parent's Weekend, so he wanted to make up for it tonight. I felt like such a jerk going home, knowing she'd be alone in the dorms. I couldn't NOT go home, but it was really hard. I felt so guilty running off to spend time with my parents while Jake's Mom has only called her once since Parent's Weekend. She tries to hide it, but I know she's upset.   
  
  
Monday, August 28, 2000  
  
Crew practice turned into yet another one of Finn's deep philosophical discussions. Today it was destiny and things you can or can't change. I'd like to change my whole situation with Jake. I'd like to magically enroll her at Rawley Girls and be able to show the world that she's my girlfriend. I'd like to change her mother. Jake said her mom is only going to be home for a few days instead of the whole break. She's going to be alone again when she goes home for break. I wonder if I could talk Mom into letting me go to New York?  
  
Jake must be my destiny though, because even when I thought she was a guy, I couldn't change my feelings about her. And God knows, I tried. I was attracted to Jake from the first moment and there hasn't been a single thing I could do about it since. I've never felt this...out of control...and yet, liked it so much.  
  
Scout brought up that you can't change your parents. Whether you'd like to or not, they are your parents forever. I've never really thought about wanting other parents, but I wouldn't mind rearranging Dad's priorities. I've been trying to make him realize for years now that even though I don't make contributions to the Rawley Academy Alumni Fund, I'm not any less important. It's not that I think he doesn't care about me, I know that he does. It would just be nice to have it show more often or feel like I'm more important than the rest of the student body. It would be nice to think that he'd consider my feelings once in a while. If he did, maybe then he would realize how hard it is to be the Dean's kid or have asked ME if something was wrong when the older guys were harassing me instead of just taking THEIR word that things were fine.   
  
  
Tuesday, August 29, 2000  
  
I was on my way to Jake's room today when I saw her studying in the Common Room. I stopped and watched her from the doorway for a minute. Yet again, I was amazed - as well as unsettled - by how well she pulls off her boy act. As I watched her, I had this intense desire to kiss her. We've had so little time to be a couple...I just NEEDED to kiss her...right then and there.   
  
Like an idiot, that's exactly what I did. Or tried to do.   
  
We ducked behind the bookcase and I was just saying that we needed a better way to be together when Ryder showed up. Let me say again how much I HATE Ryder Forrest. Oh well, at least my comebacks are getting better. I actually left him speechless this time.  
  
  
Wednesday, August 30, 2000  
  
Ryder was at it again today. I think he even said something to Will and Scout about yesterday because they were giving us some mighty strange looks.   
  
Going swimming made me wonder what Jake would look like in a bikini. I know she said she looks fat, but all girls think that. I think she'd look totally hot...with her long legs and killer abs...oh, yeah...totally hot. I wonder if she even has one here? Could I talk her into modeling it?  
  
And I finally figured out how to get more time with Jake. I talked to Mom about moving into Jake's room at the dorms. It's the perfect answer to our problem. No one will think it's strange if I'm in Jake's room all the time if I live there, too. Being alone with Jake every night and every morning is going to so awesome.  
  
  
Thursday, August 31, 2000  
  
Jake freaked. I told her about me moving in and she freaked.   
  
I don't get it. What's wrong with my idea? And what's her problem anyway? It's the best solution to our problem. If we share a room, we wouldn't have to sneak around all the damn time. Yeah, it might be a little weird at first, but it would still be great. She said she wasn't ready to sleep together yet - like the only reason I was suggesting it was to get in her pants. I wasn't suggesting that we have sex the first night or even sleep in the same bed (although either would be nice). I just wanted more time with my girlfriend when she can actually LOOK AND ACT LIKE MY GIRLFRIEND! What is so wrong with that?  
  
  
Friday, September 1, 2000  
  
That royal British ass was at it again today and I ended up telling Jake that our relationship wasn't worth it. I totally didn't mean that, but I was still upset about yesterday and provoked by Ryder.  
  
I had been looking all over for Jake, so we could talk about yesterday and I finally found her on the dock. I really wanted us to talk and straighten out the whole living together thing. We never got that far. Ryder made some smart-ass comment about getting us a shower caddy for two and I snapped. Really snapped. This relationship is challenging enough without Ryder's snide remarks and I just wasn't in the mood for his shit.   
  
So I punched him.   
  
I've never punched anyone before in my life, but I hauled off and nailed him right in his big mouth, right in front of everyone. He may have deserved it, but I'm not happy about it and I'm sure Ryder has already run to Dad and told him all about how I attacked him.  
  
And a lot of good any of this did me, I was so angry that when Jake tried to tell me RYDER wasn't worth it - I told her WE weren't worth it. I'm an idiot. Not only will I be in trouble with Dad, now I don't have Jake either. I'm going to have to do some major amounts of apologizing in the morning.  
  
  
Saturday, September 2, 2000  
  
Jake almost left me today.   
  
I was waiting for her in the Common Room...waiting to apologize, no less...when she waltzed in and announced that she was leaving Rawley and telling everyone the truth. I was so stunned, I didn't know what to say and like a dummy...said nothing. It felt like a ton of bricks had just been dropped on my head. I couldn't even think straight, much less respond. After she walked away, I finally managed to get my act together. There was no way Jake was leaving me that easily - not after everything she's put me through this summer.  
  
I found her in her room packing. Somehow she got the idea that this was all about my reputation - which it's not. It's not about that at all, the guys may be a pain, especially Ryder, but that doesn't mean that their opinion counts for anything. It was about me wanting to spend more time with her and feeling rejected when she didn't seem to want the same thing.  
  
I apologized for pushing things. Sex wasn't my intention when I suggested living together, but if she felt like I was pushing her in that direction, then she needed to know I wasn't.  
  
I knew I was only going to get one chance to convince her I was sorry...that I wanted her to stay...that I meant it when I said I loved her. But I was having trouble putting all that into words and finding harder and harder to think straight having her so close to me. She was just inches away, looking at me with those beautiful, mysterious eyes and her lips...her lips were right there...full and soft...I just HAD to kiss her.  
  
I poured every ounce of my soul into that kiss. Every emotion I went through this summer. All the confusion and hurt, joy and relief, desire and love...it was all there. I needed her to feel the intensity of my feelings for her. I needed her to feel what I felt.  
  
Fortunately, she did and she's not going anywhere just yet.  
  
Then I decided that if everyone was going to talk about me, at least I'm going to do something to deserve it. So, right smack in the middle of the day, I locked the door to Jake's room and we had one hell of a post-fight make-out session.  
  
I was totally enjoying myself until Will knocked on the door to invite Jake to a party for Bella...and told Jake to invite me, too.   
  
The party was nice, but being in a room full of people with Jake the boy doesn't even begin to compare to being with Jake the girl...in her room...on the bed...no corset...completely lost in each other.  
  



	8. Showers, Road Trips and Doing Your Own L...

Sunday, September 3, 2000  
  
Jake and I had a talk about next semester today. We were supposed to be studying for finals, but ended up in her room making out instead. Studying for a test has never been more pleasant...until she asked me what happens next. Should she come back to Rawley Boys next semester? I hate to even think about her not coming back, but she did bring up some really important issues. There are a lot of potential problems...and while I have no desire to be away from her...she did make some very valid points. Like when does this end? I've really been stuck on how this all began, so I hadn't given any thought at all to how does it end? Can Jake keep this up until graduation? Should she even try? What happens then? All her records will show that she's Jake Pratt - male student. How would she fix all that for college? And what about Dad? The longer this goes on, the worse it will be if she gets caught; but I can't tell him, either. I just know he will kick her out and never let me see her again. I can't live with that, but Jake's going to have a hard time living as a guy for the next couple years, too. And what happens if the rumors get back to Mom and Dad? Am I supposed to tell them I'm gay? Or tell them the truth? If I do tell them I'm gay, what happens later when Jake can be herself again? "Oh, by the way, Mom...Dad, you know how I told you I was gay? Well, I'm not. I've actually been dating a cross dresser all this time." Yeah...like that's a conversation I'm dying to have.  
  
It's bad enough that she's going home over break, but she just had to bring all this up and make me worry that she's not going to come back. What am I going to do if she doesn't?   
  
God...I don't even want to think about it.   
  
Monday, September 4, 2000  
  
I had a hard time concentrating on finals today. I hope I managed to do well, anyway. I think I did, but Dad will flip if I get bad grades and then there is no way they will let me go visit Jake in New York over break. Jake hasn't asked me to come visit her yet, but I've been thinking about it ever since she said her Mom was only going to be home for a few days. I hate the idea of Jake being at home alone. I hate the idea of being here without her. I LOVE the idea of being alone with her. So why not go visit her? I think I could talk Mom into letting me go and I'm pretty sure she could convince Dad it would be okay.   
  
Me and Jake...alone...away from Rawley...that would be so cool! She could look and act like herself and we could be together all time. Awesome...beyond awesome! Now, I just have to see if Jake thinks so, too. I'm not going to make the same mistake twice and jump to conclusions again.  
  
Wednesday, September 6, 2000  
  
God what a mess! So much has happened in the last 2 days and most of it is not good. Since I won't be able to sleep until Jake calls me and lets me know she got home safely, I guess I could go through everything that has happened in the last 2 days. It's not like I'm going to be able to think about anything else for a while.  
  
Mom asked me to help her pack up the art rooms yesterday and Jake wanted to take her bike into town and get it looked at before she had to ride it home. I wasn't happy about either of these things, since they both meant time away from Jake, but the two women in my life didn't give me a choice. So I helped Mom while Jake went to town. I didn't want to have to go home to shower and change after I finished helping Mom, so I brought my clothes and left them in Jake's room. Just as I was headed for the showers, Jake came back. I asked her to keep me company. She was leaving and I didn't want to spend any more time apart than we had already.   
  
Sounds simple enough...right? Have her talk to me while I get cleaned up and then we go back to her room. It was our last day together and I wanted to be sure we said goodbye properly. As soon as I got into the shower, I started thinking she wasn't close enough. Yes, she was in the room, but it would be better if she were closer. Naturally, little head was thinking faster then big head. Before I really thought about what I was doing, I asked her to join me. Even as I heard myself say the words, I never expected Jake to go for it.   
  
Imagine my surprise when she said "okay."  
  
"Okay?"  
  
She said OKAY, as in YES.  
  
Schwing! Instant erection. Jake just agreed to get into the shower with me and showering means being naked.  
  
I stopped thinking.  
  
I stopped breathing.  
  
She said okay.  
  
Then she started getting undressed! Really undressed. Like more undressed than EVER before. I had never seen that much of her all at once and yet, there she was already out of her jeans and pulling off her shirt. I was still trying to process all of this when she started walking towards me. She reached behind her back, and just as she was about to get into the shower, slipped off her bra.   
  
My heart stopped beating.  
  
In a split second, this went from lighthearted fun to completely serious.   
  
I was already naked in the shower and Jake was down to her underwear. The only thing separating us was the flimsy white, plastic shower curtain. Even if I had wanted to say something at that moment, I couldn't have. I couldn't speak. I couldn't breathe. Every drop of blood in my body had moved to my groin. All I could do was stare at Jake.  
  
My Jake. The Jake that I see in my dreams. Beautiful, curvy, feminine Jake. Long legs and killer abs Jake. Almost naked Jake! About to get into the shower with me Jake!  
  
Until Finn walked in.  
  
Have I mentioned that Finn is my least favorite person on Earth right now?  
  
Yep, Finn walked in. I was in the shower, Jake was inches away in her underwear and Finn comes through the door. How is THAT for a Kodak moment?   
  
Jake grabbed her clothes and ran out. I stood in the shower for a minute like an idiot not knowing WHAT to do before I realized that I really should go find Jake. Finn must have been too surprised to move. When I got out, he was still standing in the same spot, mouth wide open, not moving, not saying a word. I had almost made it out the door without having to explain when I heard him call my name. I turned around, gave him my best puppy-dog face and promised that I would explain everything very soon - just not right at that moment. Before he could say anything else, I left and raced down the hall to Jake's room - only to pass her midway as she was running out. She was running away and leaving me! I couldn't believe it and I couldn't very well chase after her in a towel. I threw on the clothes I left in her room and went to find her.   
  
I found her all right...about to run off and leave me without even saying goodbye! She was in Bella's truck already and they were leaving. I was surprised to see her there in the first place, confused when she said she had "other secrets" besides masquerading as a boy and downright SHOCKED to see her in a skirt and tank top. Apparently she told Bella the truth at some point and neglected to tell me about it. What else hasn't she told me?   
  
Note to self: must talk to Jake about secrets and Bella.   
  
There was no way I was going to let her run off on my like that - no way - not after this summer and not after almost getting into a shower together. So, I jumped in the truck and went with them.  
  
We didn't get far before disaster struck again. Bella spotted Will at the bus stop and got out to talk to him. Jake was flipping out in the truck. The last thing she wanted was for another person to find out the truth, but there was no way for her to get out of the truck or get changed back into her boy clothes without Will seeing her. When Will walked up to the truck with Bella, Jake was busted - again. Twice in one day. The look on Krudski's face was one in a million, though. I almost wish I had a picture of it.  
  
We headed out of town from there and since everyone in the truck now knew the truth about Jake, she started fussing with her hair and putting on makeup. The overall situation was bad, very bad. Jake and I had been caught and we were essentially running away, but a twisted side of me was enjoying being with Jake and not having to hide. I could openly touch her and hold her with no one to stop me. Given the skirt and tank top she was wearing, I touched her a lot.  
  
I knew there were going to be consequences to deal with later, but for right then, I was just enjoying being with Jacqueline for a change.  
  
That is until Bella crashed into a tree during our little Abba sing-a-long.  
  
Of course, having left in such a hurry, Jake didn't have her cell phone with her. Bella's trucked was completely wrecked in the middle of nowhere and we had no way to call for help. The day was just one mess after another.  
  
We ended up spending the night in a dirty, old abandoned cabin. Not exactly the way I envisioned spending the night with Jake, but the fun wasn't over yet. Scout and Will's friend Sean showed up, but managed to let their ride get away. So know two more people knew Jake's secret and we were still stranded. Six of us in a cabin with no food, no heat and no plumbing.  
  
Bad? Oh yeah.  
  
Tense? Totally.  
  
Jake and I weren't alone, so we couldn't talk about anything we needed to be talking about and wouldn't it just figure that everyone else was having a bad day, too? Scout and Sean ended up fighting and had to be pried apart. The fun just kept on coming. I learned that not one of them is good at keeping a secret, but they all wanted to know why Jake and I were there in the first place. Yeah right, like I'd tell them ANYTHING at that point. They were blabbing each other's secrets left and right and they wanted to know ours? NOT! I'm sure we'll have to explain sooner or later, but later works for me.  
  
I swear I never should have gotten out of bed yesterday morning.  
  
Come on, Jake. Call already! I'm worried!  
  
The only redeeming part of the whole cabin experience was falling asleep curled around Jake and waking up with her in my arms. Even in such an awful setting, that was wonderful and I could totally be up for doing that again. Granted I'd prefer it didn't come with the ten-mile hike that followed. Yep, Jake volunteered us to walk with Bella the rest of the way to Carson. Although Jake's never really talked about her Dad, I think she could identify with how it feels to be abandoned by a parent and she wanted to be sure Bella had someone there for her. She ended up with all of us.  
  
Walking to Carson was not my choice of fun, but I got to be with Jake and I could kiss and touch her often -which I did. Even made Calhoun squirm, since he's still a little freaked about Jake and all.  
  
Bella needed to go to Carson to see her Mom, whom she hasn't seen in like 10 years, because her Dad was losing the gas station. She was hoping her Mom could fix things I guess, but it didn't go well at all. Bella was really crushed after she left her Mom's. I'm assuming something worked out though, because her Dad took down the auction sign right when we got back. I think I'm going to call or go over there this week and check on her.  
  
Everyone was upset about their problems and generally quiet on the way home. But we still weren't alone, so Jake and I couldn't talk about anything that had happened or what we were going to do next. I was hoping we could go to the lake and talk privately when we finally got back. I didn't want her to leave without some idea of what to do.  
  
That plan went up in smoke, too. As soon as we got back to town, Jake saw her bike and before I knew what hit me, we were saying goodbye on Main Street with four sets of eyes on us. Am I ever going to be in control of ANYTHING ever again?  
  
It took every ounce of will power I had not to run across the street and jump on the back of that bike. I wanted to so bad. Jake was leaving and taking my heart with her, but I knew I was in serious trouble already for not coming home last night and leaving again would only guarantee my one-way ticket to military school. I actually prayed the whole way home that Finn hadn't talked to Dad yet. Miracle of miracles, he hadn't. Mom was still in the same clothes from the day before and I immediately felt worse for having worried her so much. I explained about the accident and not coming home, but I couldn't tell them why I left in the first place without getting in deeper. I just apologized and accepted that I'm now grounded and will be doing tons of extra work at the school. So much for going to visit Jake in New York. She finally invited me and now I can't go.  
  
Which is of course only one of the many things I can't stop thinking about while I sit here waiting for her to call me. There is no way I can sleep until I know she made it home safe and sound. She can give me the "I can take care of myself" speech all she wants, that doesn't change the fact that it's a long drive and the last two days prove that ANYTHING can go wrong.   
  
Then again, I don't know how I'm going to sleep anyway. Besides seeing Jake in her underwear every time I close my eyes, I can't stop thinking about how the hell we are going to fix all this.  
  
Jake finally called. She got home safely, but her mom is mad because she didn't show up when she was supposed to and never called. Unlike me though, Jake is not grounded and will not be used as slave labor.  
  
I'm going to bed. I want this day to end. Tomorrow can't possibly be as bad as today. With my luck though, I'll end up dreaming about what MIGHT have happened in that shower and end up having to wash my own sheets in the morning.   
  
Thursday, September 7, 2000  
  
Boy I called that one right. Sticky sheets are absolutely no fun if you were alone when they got sticky. And having your mother give you "that look" when she catches you in the laundry room first thing in the morning is right up there with being pantsed in front of the girls gym class.   
  
I spent the day cleaning classrooms and trying to figure out what to say to Finn. I expected to see him today and I'm still surprised that I didn't. I'll have to go looking for him tomorrow, I guess. I'm really not looking forward to this conversation, but I suppose it's better than I one I would have had last night if he had already told Dad about what he saw in the bathroom.  
  
I guess the first thing I need to do is figure out what exactly Finn saw and go from there. If he saw the same thing I saw, then I'm in big trouble.  
  
I keep replaying those precious minutes over and over in my mind. I still can't believe it all happened. I really asked Jake to get into the shower with me and she was really going to do it! What was I thinking? What was she thinking? What would have happened if Finn hadn't walked in?  
  
I'm fairly sure MY problem was thinking with the wrong head. Without a doubt I let my hormones get the better of me and look what it may have cost us. If Finn turns her in I may never see her again. As for Jake? I haven't a clue what she was thinking and I'm waiting until after her mom leaves again to ask her. If we were willing to shower together...what else would we have been willing to do without talking about it first? I'm thinking we need to have a long talk and I need to make a trip to the drugstore just in case.  
  
In the meantime, I'll be doing a lot of laundry. I picture her walking across the bathroom with almost every inch of her body exposed every time I close my eyes. And that moment when she took off her bra is permanently etched into every corner of my brain. I didn't see a lot, but I saw enough to know I want to see it again.   
  
I miss Jake like crazy already, so I'd take seeing any part of her again...even if it meant being buried under her usual layers of clothing. Just talking to her on the phone isn't nearly enough. It's going to be a LONG couple of weeks. Then again, it could be a lot longer than two weeks if Finn turns her in.  
  
End Part 8 


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